Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Exposed: The secret to marketing crap to kids

This is a commercial for a toy called Power Rangers: Samurai- Claw Armour Megazord. Phew, what a mouthful. I really don't understand why toy names now need more punctuation than boy band songs from the 90s (brackets anyone?). There just seems to be a lot of words for not a lot of pay off. What do we actually know about this toy? It's part of the Power Rangers franchise, it has claws, is wearing armour and is presumably quite large, hence the word 'Mega' before 'zord', whatever the hell that means. What I can gather from watching the commercial (really more times than should be allowed for an adult) is you take one zord and smash it with another zord to make an even bigger zord that clamps down on evil. I'm still confused. Is it Lady Gaga?

Do you remember when toys had names like Inspector Gadget? He was an inspector with a lot of gadgets. Cabbage Patch Kids, kids that lived in a cabbage patch. My Little Pony, a tiny pony that was all yours. Succint and clear. Although to my dismay they have re-released the latter as trampy teens in the new My Little Pony: Equestria Girls.

I should be up front and say I don't really understand kids. None of my close friends have any and I can count on two hands the amount of times I've actually held a baby (Note to my pregnant sister: I will learn before November. Promise). In fact the last conversation I had with a child was about 6 years ago and we talked about Britney Spears. Do children today even know who she is? Who is her replacement? Is it Selena Gomez? After watching this commercial I felt like further investigation was required. Despite my ignorance on all matters children, I think I am starting to see the key trend in marketing for kids. 

The colon.

I dunno, maybe I've been smoking the same meth the Power Rangers team were when they came up with the Megazord, but I'm kind of relieved to see some level of punctuation being targeted at children. With so many of us bandying about LOL and LMFAO and 'totes' and 'soz' (I'm totes guilty of it) I am worried our collective grasp of the English language is slipping away. I distinctly remember my first use of the abbreviation GR8 (for great, that's still a thing right?) back when I was 18 and we were still charged by the character for text messages. Then I realised I wasn't Avril Lavigne and ceased that ridiculousness pretty damn quickly.

It's a shame then, that in this particular instance the power of the colon is being used for evil. As we all know, unless the the first half of the sentence makes sense on its own, you shouldn't use a colon. Power Rangers and My Little Pony are the origins of the franchise, the mamma or pappa from which all other toys are born. So having them at the front makes sense. Now after the colon you can either make a list or expand further on the point (you can also have a quote, know, that's not adding to my argument, so whatever). Which I guess is what the lovely people at the toy company Bandai did when they turned the Power Rangers into Samurai. Not content with just being super enthusiastic American teens in Lycra who couldn't act, they decided to give them Samurai powers. I mean, the pink one has a fan. Come on...just because she's a woman, she can't have a frickin sword? In an aside, I was once going to audition for the Pink Power Ranger, but I was a little chubby and pretty unfit at that time, so for the sake of my hip joints and my pride I'm relieved I didn't.

Now if the Power Rangers aren't kicking enough butt with their swords and fans and sassy attitudes, they have to hop in their Zords (like Bat Mobiles with arms and faces) to face the evil that's bigger than their fists. THEN if the Zords still aren't up to the task, they put all the Zords together and make the Megazard.

Stay with me. Now according to Wikipedia, every season the Rangers upgrade to a new set of Zords. I'm sure the old Zords are perfectly fine, maybe they don't have wifi connectivity, but they're probably still capable of doing the job. I guess they just require more frequent servicing at the Zord mechanic and their interior might be a little faded from the sun.
'But I want the one with the metallic finish armour that costs $3000 more,' said the Blue Power Ranger.
'I know!' cried the Green Ranger. 'How am I gonna pick up chicks if my Zord doesn't have the BIGGEST claws?'

At this point the people over at Bandai are laughing all the way to the bank, because they've made an actual crap load of cash from putting as much as possible on the right side of the colon. It's so right side heavy it can barely move. I'm sure every time a parent sees a new word has been added, they shut their child in a darkened room for fear they'll realise that if they smash their current Megazord with another one, it would form a FerocioZord and unicorns would fly out of its butt.

Marketing for adults is really pretty similar, just with less colons.  But I'm thinking if I took a leaf out of the Power Ranger's book and marketed myself like a children's toy I could be more of a commodity. So henceforth this blog shall be known as...

Pink Deer: Sarcasto- Wine Warrior Empress of Shoes, Defender of the People's Right to Bear Bags (all available in my Online Store, coming soon)

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