Friday, January 3, 2014

5 Things: Why Fiona from American Horror Story Coven is my new hero

I come from a very strong matriarchal line. More than once I've commented to my Mum that if the Naylor women had lived in Salem, we'd all have been burned at the stake. I also briefly dabbled with Wicca as a teenager, but honestly, it was a lot of effort. I can't commit to a hair colour, let alone a belief system that requires that many candles.Witches and witchcraft still fascinate me though, and Jessica Lange's Fiona in this season's American Horror Story is my new favourite person. It is a real testament to her performance and also to the writers of AMH that Fiona can do some pretty evil shit and yet somehow still remain likeable. Maybe likeable is not the right word, I probably don't want to invite her over and watch Sex and the City re-runs…so I guess, awesome, they made her totally awesome. Here's 5 damn good reasons why: **As always SPOILER ALERT**

1. She's stylish
The woman is blessed with a smokin' hot body for a 64 year old and she makes the absolute most of it. I can only hope I look that good at her age (unlikely, chocolate is my emotional crutch). Key Fiona pieces: dramatic wide brimmed hats, leather gloves, slim fitting dresses, a LOT of black...It's all very ladylike, and that kind of glamour takes commitment. Heels too, always heels. I don't know if there's a special kind of magic she's got that unburdens her from the pain of wearing heels all day every day, I guess it would be totally possible since she can bring a baby back to life, but regardless...RESPECT.

2. You can buy a Fiona Goode iPhone case
She might be the ONLY being on this Earth able to knock Grumpy Cat off his iPhone case pedestal for me. Interestingly, they have similar qualities. They're both cranky, self centred, intent on world domination and would prefer if you left them the hell alone. I've never seen Grumpy Cat smoke, but as if you couldn't totally imagine him (yes, I know it's really a her) lying back, puffing away and plotting to kill you. You can also buy Fiona Goode throw pillows...I mean, come on. Get them here.

3. She is funny in the most cruel and amazing way

In my fantasies I live in a world where I get to say whatever I like. I guess it would be kind of like Liar, Liar, because really I only want to speak my own brand of cutting truth. You know, be able to tell people their new haircut looks like a hairdresser took clippings from an Irish Wolf hound, mixed them with cement mix and slapped them on their head with a bent slinky. Obviously, in real life I'm not actually gonna say that...unless I know you pretty well and I've been drinking. Fiona Goode on the other hand, would just go for it. She comes up with the kind of barbed comments that would make Steven Seagal cry like a child. I don't want to ruin the whole storyline for you, but here are some stunning examples:

Cordelia Foxx: I have half a mind to enchant the locks after you leave.
Fiona Goode: [laughs] Don't make me drop a house on you.

Fiona Goode: Bury her deep. God knows what all that shit in her body will do to the lawn when it comes up in the spring.

Myrtle Snow: Fiona, it's been a long time.
Fiona Goode: Myrtle Snow... look at you, developing a sense of style when no one was paying attention.

4. She's resilient
I like a woman who does not let things like Voodoo or cancer or the fact that her lover has a dead body in the bath tub and is actually a ghost, get in her way. Truly, aside from her unquenchable thirst for power, she reminds me of my Nan and my Mum. Sure not the voodoo thing, but there actually was a ghost in my Mum's house...true story, she had an exorcism and EVERYTHING. Although the Ghost wasn't her lover, thank god. My nan fought cancer for 10 years; lost her hair, sat through countless painful treatments, lost weight and energy...but she never lost her determination and I never once heard her complain. So basically what I'm saying is, they should make a spin off show starring me and call it Australian Horror Story: Somebody get me a Coven. I have to admit Fiona takes things too far when she goes about killing innocent people, but 66.6% of the time they come back to life, so I'm gonna let that one slide for the moment.

5. She actually does have a heart
This is really the most important one, because without this, she's just villain. She'd be Cruella Deville or a Bond baddie, the kind we love to hate. Just like Jude from Asylum, you spend the start of the series cursing the day she was born, then the other half happy she's seen the error of her ways and is trying to make amends (then actually just feeling sorry for her). Fiona doesn't put up with Delphine's horrible treatment of Queenie, she wants to live for the sake of her daughter and in the hospital she starts doling out random acts of kindness. It can't make up for the bad stuff completely, but hey...nobody's perfect.
Image via guardianlv

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