I saw my sister for a grand total of 3 minutes this week. I saw Maree from the Post Office four times, and I'm estimating our encounters totalled about 15 minutes. Admittedly the signature machines for registered mail were running a bit slow this week and I did have to lodge a passport application, but the fact I know the average speed of their equipment says it all.
2. You need your hit immediately
The other day I nearly opened my parcel from The Iconic while still inside the post office. It took every ounce of my strength not to rip open the delightful black bubble wrap envelope (seriously, The Iconic, you've really nailed practical and attractive packaging), whip my beautiful Cameo dress out and prance around near the discounted mini BBQs singing She's a Lady.
Instead I forced myself to wait until I got to the car, where to an outsider I imagine my behaviour was not dissimilar to a drug addict. After struggling with the adhesive, I grew impatient and just ripped through the plastic with my fingernails. Then, with a triumphant half growl/half tennis player grunt, discarded the plastic on the passenger side floor (onto the growing pile of postage vessels), held my purchase aloft and whispered 'this is some good shit', before hugging it to my chest.
3. You begin to lose contact with the outside world
I need to email my Dad, like straight away. I haven't replied in three days, but I 've checked the Wittner website at least 15 times to see if the shoes I want have been further discounted. You'll know this is happening to you too, when Orlando Bloom tries to contact you on eHarmony and after a quick glance you think 'Ugh, pointy ears, what a turn off'. Or your grateful you set your Facebook password to the same one as your Topshop account, or you'd never be able to login. Even the people who send you SPAM start to get worried 'Truth time, I'm not a Nigerian prince, but hey…is everything OK over there? Maybe you need a tropical holiday. Should I send you some money?'
It's only when you find yourself with wardrobe full of glorious, sexy and heavily discounted items that deserve to be enjoyed by the world's populace…that you realise people stopped inviting you places 3 months ago because they thought you were dead.
4. Your spend hours creating a dream virtual cart you can't afford
It's the online equivalent of when I go to Selfridges and parade around with the Celine bags and think about all the events I would take it to and how special I would look holding it. Then I put it back and hope nobody notices the condensation from my Starbucks might have stained the leather.
Online you can fill your virtual bag with Saint Laurent, Alexander McQueen and Mary Kantrantzou and the lovely little timer in the top right shows it's saved, just for YOU, for 15 whole minutes. As you watch the precious seconds count down, it's like you actually own them. Then it expires and you snap back to reality to find it's 1am on a school night and your unicorn onesie has started to smell like pot noodles.
5. Your shopping schedule is truly global
As a true online shopping junkie, I know many retailers launch their online sales at midnight. Thank you iPhone for that lovely World Clock function, so I know exactly what time it will be in New York and can set my alarm to shop accordingly.
It's also a bonus when you just happen to wake up in the middle of the night to pee, check your emails and find a flash 'happy hour' lunch time special occurring on your favourite UK website. Thank you ageing bladder and detox tea! You might have missed out on a cheeky 20% off socks when you spend over £200.
Image via catster