Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Five Things...why breaking in boots is a bigger commitment than a new relationship

Yesterday I was in & Other Stories rocking a hangover. In between lying face down on the ottoman in the shoe department (aka the boyfriend sad seat) and YouTubing John Farnham's greatest hits, I tried on the above pair of gloriously shiny ankle mofos. I mean, look at them. These are the kind of bad boys that if I clicked my heels together and said 'There's no place like home' I'd find myself in an underground Jungle themed bar, with a martini in hand (dry, extra olives) listening to Taylor Swift.

So why didn't I buy them? Because breaking these bad boys in would be like substituting my Ped Egg for a cheese grater. It's a difficult time of year, boot breaking in season. I've been working on my latest pair for 2 weeks and my feet currently look like I immersed them in a bucket of angry bees. I also got nail polish remover in an open blister just now, it didn't feel awesome. It will be worth it though, because once these things are moulded perfectly to the shape of my foot, it's going to be a marriage made in heaven. Like any journey to love, you have your ups and downs, but ultimately sticking it out can produce something beautiful.

So here it is, 5 reasons why breaking in new boots is a bigger commitment than starting a new relationship.

1. Once you've worn the boots, there are no refunds or exchanges. I mean, strictly speaking, you can't return a new boyfriend for a refund either. However if things don't work out, he's not going to be hiding in a box in your wardrobe, taunting you every day simply by existing. I mean, that's what Facebook is for.

2. I try to get a little tipsy before a first date with someone I really fancy. I might apply the same method for the second, but by the third I'm usually sober. When you're wearing shoes that are slowly filling with your own blood, sometimes the only answer is drinking through the pain. Doing this for 2-3 weeks is not only completely socially unacceptable, it's gonna dehydrate you like crazy, and if they're your work shoes...you gettin' fired. Yes you are girl.

3. Ah young love...when you meet someone and everything just 'clicks'. You have the same interests, like the same movies, laugh at the same jokes. Your friends tell you it's like you've been together forever...Quite the opposite with the boots. It's pretty obvious your boots are new when you're rollin' round Shoreditch with the pinch limp (it's like the pimp limp, but with a face like you swallowed lemon juice), rocking shoes so stiff and shiny they could be Bruce Jenner's face. Everyone knows they're brand new Docs. Everyone knows you're trying not to cry. I bet you even tried rubbing dirt on them, didn't you? Give it 3 months. If I've just described your relationship, DUMP him/her immediately.

4. You're too stubborn to have a back up plan. Don't lie and tell me after a few dates you don't start packing a survival kit (toothbrush, some face wipes, maybe moisturiser) in the bottom of your bag, you know...just in case. Yet how many times do you find yourself saying 'I'm only leaving the house for an hour, the boots will be fine. I mean...surely after three weeks I don't need to take a paramedic sized kit of plasters and bandages. I can totally wear white socks. There's no reason why they'll end up bloodied like a scene from Hostel...right?'

5. It's totally acceptable to retain the old pair in the event the boots break you, before you break them. You don't owe anyone any explanations for dipping back into the comfort and familiarity of last season's chain laden ankle boots. Nobody's gonna call your new boots to tell them they saw you and your old flame cosied up with a paper and coffee on a Sunday morning. Laughing, enjoying a sweet, blister free stroll through the market...maybe you did give up on them too soon.

Image via stories.com

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