Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Get off my iPod and OUT OF MY CAR

There are a bunch of songs lurking deep in the recesses of my iPod that I hate. Since I'm too lazy to take them off, I end up shrieking like a banshee every time they shuffle their way around to ruin my day. It's usually when I'm in the car and doing something I can't possibly just stop doing suddenly, like reverse parking. So I'm in the middle of traffic trying to park Snoopy close to the curb in one swift movement and suddenly (as an example) Whip My Hair by Willow Smith comes on.
'Oh sweet Jesus, god I hate this song!!' I start yelling to myself in the car. 'Make it stop, make it stop!' Even if I might be about to get out of the car, I will change the song, take a deep breath and try to forget Willow was doing anything with her hair other than brushing it a hundred times before bed.

I've decided to compile a list of these offending songs so maybe one day when I get my ass into gear, I'll know exactly what to take off. Feel free to click on the links to experience my pain...

Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke
I wanted to like this song, I really did. Keldawg and I were obsessed with When I Get you Alone back in the day (I had the CD single...that's a full $5 of commitment), plus Pharrel and T.I. But...ugh...he sure did get the stuff from Jamaica and he must have been smoking it when he wrote this lyrical wet rag. Even if I could suspend my intellect and try to enjoy the melody, I just start thinking about the awful clip with those vacant looking girls running around in their knickers covered in cling wrap. If you have to wear protective plastic wrapping to hang out with these dudes, then you need to find some friends whose company is less moist.

I Know Him So Well- Susan Boyle
I have never listened to this song for more than 5 seconds and I never will. Why it was on a compilation of Pop songs that also features S & M by Rihanna and We R Who We R by Ke$ha, I will never know. My head would literally explode if those guys were every at a party together.

I'm Keeping Your Poop- Hayseed Dixie
My Dad and I love Hayseed Dixie. If you've never heard of them, then your life is about to become infinitely better. Imagine listening to a blue grass version of I Believe In A Thing Called're welcome. The issue is that in between making amazing covers of classic songs, they made this song. I guess my main fear with this one, is that somebody might hear it and think I enjoy listening to it and...well, that I might want to keep their poop in a jar. Like if I have the windows down and I'm stopped at the lights...or worse, imagine if I was driving with a date. This one has to come off sooner rather than later. It's imperative for my relationships with other human beings.

Any song ever written by Scouting for Girls (Except She's So Lovely)
A stellar example of why kind of liking one song does not mean you will like the whole album. The sound of this guy's whiny voice makes me cringe. They have one song where they mention Jessica Fletcher and I don't even know why or what the song is about, but I'm like 'You leave Jessica Fletcher out of this. She is a saint. And quite frankly she could be investigating your suspicious murder on her bicycle if you darken my door ever again.'

Little Yellow Spider- Devendra Banhart
Hi Devendra, firstly you're really hot. Like, really. Sadly the only reason I know this is because I Googled you to find out if you were still alive. You might ask why I did this, since you're only 3 years older than me, why would I assume you were dead? Because this song is weird and depressing in a way that may lead a person to believe you have given up on life. I usually love songs about animals, but you REALLY lost me when I got to the the lyric 'Hey there little sexy pig you made it with a man, now you've got a little kid with hooves instead of hands.' Not because I have issues with differently abled individuals, but because you describe the pig as sexy. That's not normal hun. You need to get some serious help. And never, EVER rent the movie Babe.

Image via welltempered

No comments:

Post a Comment