Monday, December 1, 2014

Dreyer vs Worsley...would you wear leather pants?

Ruthie and I enjoying some London sunshine this Summer. I'm not actually topless...

I always thought my darling friend Ruthie and I agreed on most things. When I suggested we should write some blog posts offering different opinions on life's important topics- men, dating, decorative scarves- it became apparent this is not the case. Good news for the blog post concept, certainly a shock to our friendship. 

So, what may you ask, is the first hard hitting subject we've decided to tackle? Leather pants. The important question- will covering your stems in cow hide make you look cooler than the entire cast of The Matrix combined, or are they work of the devil? I am on the pro leather side, so let's start here first.

I have been buying the same pair of pleather Topshop trousers every year for 4 years. Except that unfortunate year they decided to put the zip down the back, which was a weird choice, because it made my butt look like a basketball. These pleather trousers are the single most flattering item of clothing I have ever put on my legs. They make them look long and slender, and in my head I think I'm Kate Beckinsale. Or at least Kate's awkward cousin. Here are the major pros to cow legs.
  • Some of history's coolest women have rocked leather- Catwoman, Trinity, all the female characters in X-Men. For pretty much all of Season 3 Buffy wore leather pants in an array of bad ass colours, like red and black and bottle green. So I guess what I'm saying, leather pants will make you a superhero
  • They wipe clean. I often spill things, I drink a lot of beverages while walking or on public transport, and I work in makeup. All reasons you want clothing you can take a good old paper towel and some Dettol spray to. Honestly, child care workers should wear these pants.
  • Bikers wear it, and for good reason. If you fall off a motorbike, leather protects your skin from damage. Or in my world, if you fall from 6 inch platforms onto the pavement, you're less likely to graze a knee.
  • Leather pants have the ability to elevate other items in your wardrobe, like this jumper you might remember. French bulldog jumpers, a dorky Christmas sweater with 2 kittens riding a Reindeer, a Hanson MMMBop tour tshirt...all of these things can be elevated to ironic status with the simple addition of leather pants. Try them with a fleece take your social life and reputation into your own hands.
OK sure, things get a little hot in the morning commute, and they can be a bit squeaky (seriously, it does raise the question how Buffy managed to sneak up on people), but it's totally worth it. Leather pants are a wardrobe staple that go with everything. Seriously, if they're good enough for Elle MacPherson on a school run, they're good enough for me.

This Winter, I'd opt for jeans or fleece-lined snow pants, before I'd put on a pair of leather pants. Leather pants are the single most impractical kind of pants. First of all, there is no way to wash leather pants. Much like that space behind your refrigerator or inside your toaster, leather pants are impossible to clean. I hate that idea. It's taken me a while to get comfortable with wearing jeans more than once before washing, and there is no way I'm about to encase myself in leather filth-scraps. 

This brings me to my next point: swamp ass. You WILL desperately need to wash these heinous slacks. I have never produced more ass-sweat than I have while wearing leather pants. It feels like wearing a Ziploc bag (that's a plastic sandwich bag to non-Americans) as underwear. You will be extremely moist in leather pants, ESPECIALLY if you are wearing them to a club, or actually any place where you may need to do movement of any kind.

Finally, leather will highlight your cellulite like nobody's business. Think about that Ziploc bag metaphor and now imagine the bag stuffed with cottage cheese. Yep, leather pants are going to reflect the light and make your cellulite look 5D. Which is really going to detract from any heroin-chic, badass Sandy from "Grease" look you were going for.

Which camp are you in? Team Ruthie and her ziplock knickers, or team Ebony and her teflon trousers?

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